


Regrets and Sorrow

by emarasmoak (emara32)



Series: Supergirl Speculation - Unrelated fics (emarasmoak) [1]
Category: Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: Angst, Because he will return back, F/M, Inspired by the SDCC17 promo, KaraMel, Karamel endgame, Karamel is my romantic OTP, Mentions of Suicidal Thoughts, Mentions of a potential major character death, MonWinn is my brotp, One Shot, Supergirl Speculation, Winnara is my other brotp, but not really
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-15
Updated: 2017-08-15
Packaged: 2018-12-15 17:01:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,770
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11810334
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/emara32/pseuds/emarasmoak
Summary: Kara's dark feelings about losing Mon-El three months after sending him into space in a pod during the Daxamite invasion.





	Regrets and Sorrow

**Author's Note:**

> This fic was inspired by the Supergirl promo released during the San Diego Comic Con 2017. Written and published before the start of season 3.

It’s been three months since Mon-El had to leave Earth. Since he had to leave her. And it still hurts like hell. 

Kara is so sick of people telling her that time will heal it all, that it will be better, that it will be okay. Well, it is not happening yet. Her sorrow is getting worse and worse. Nothing has gone back to normal. She lost her one true love. She never felt like this about anyone in her life. She didn’t know that there were that many feelings even to be had. She is drowning on her emotions. She is so overwhelmed.

Longing. She knows now that she loved Mon-El with everything she had and that she still does. She had feared for so long being vulnerable that she didn’t even want to admit it to herself. She regrets that she didn’t tell him that she loved him until the very last moment. She misses his laugh. Rao, she misses his laugh. His eyes. Him being funny or being serious. His hugs. His touch. Just him. She fears that she someday will forget his voice or his eyes. That scares her to death. She spends hours looking at their photos, at any video of him that she has been able to find. She wraps herself in his shirts. She covers herself in their blankets. She sees him everywhere. She cannot stop thinking about Mon-El, remembering him. She sometimes believes that she is getting crazy.

Pain. Just being at their home pains her. She imagines him making breakfast or reading a book on their couch. She hasn’t been able to put his stuff in boxes. Alex and Eliza have offered to do it for her, but she does not want to let them do it. Not yet. She is not prepared to let him go so their home is frozen in time. She just can’t get rid of his books or his clothes or his glasses. His glasses are usually in their night table where he left them. She sometimes gets asleep with them in her hands. Just being at the DEO pains her. She remembers him in the training room or goofing around with Winn and it breaks her heart. Just being at CatCo pains her. She has noticed Eve’s sad eyes when she invites her over for lunch, but she never goes with her. She had stopped asking about Mike. She is aware that Cat wants her to talk to her about him, but she doesn’t want to. She doesn’t know that she is Supergirl, so it would not be a real conversation. She hasn’t gone back to the alien bar. She has stopped drinking club soda. She just can’t. She can’t.

Dreams. She dreams about him, about them being together, and she is so damn happy. Then she wakes up and she suddenly remembers that she lost him and her heart shatters again. But she still wants to dream about him because for a while they are together in her fantasy world. He is with her every night.

Denial. She spent days trying to convince herself that she could fix this. She is Supergirl, she could figure it out. She always does. They would find him, they would work out some solution for his lead allergy, they would get him back. In the meantime, she could visit him using one of these portals. Lena built a huge damn one that brought a whole Daxamite army to Earth, so she could do it again. And Kara could visit him. Even better, Winn suggested that they would just rescue him and then they would send him to Earth One with Barry and Team Flash while they figured out what to do about the lead problem. That was a great plan. He could stay with them and be a hero there and have friends that would take care of him. She could visit him. That was a really awesome plan, right? They should have thought about it before sending him to space

Fear. She is so scared now. Winn tried to trace his pod into space, but it seems that suddenly some kind of magnetic activity appeared out of nowhere in its proximity and then it was gone. And from that moment he hasn't been able to detect it anymore. Winn said that he was not sure if there had been a communication failure or if the spaceship was destroyed of if something else happened. They were expecting that Mon-El would travel to some planet and then he would send a message to Earth. But nothing has been received yet. She is so scared thinking that he is dead or hurt somewhere. What if a Daxamite spaceship found him and then they killed or captured their traitor Prince? What if his pod had a malfunction and just stopped working? She cannot stop imagining that maybe he died when he was isolated in space. Maybe he met his end thinking of her, crying for help, alone in his pod. He could have stayed to die in her arms. Maybe he was captured and tortured or sold as a slave. The worst part is that she fears that she will never know what happened to him and this kills her.

Regrets. So many regrets. She regrets being prejudiced about him at the beginning. Making him believe that he wasn’t a good person because he didn’t decide to be a hero until he spent a few months on Earth. Not listening to him, not taking him seriously. Not ensuring that they would talk about their first kiss. Not being honest about her feelings when he mentioned her comets. Not starting dating sooner. Not appreciating enough that he was such a great boyfriend. Making him think that she would dump him because of any mistake. Convincing him that he would never be good enough for her. Not telling him that she loved him until the very last moment. She did love Mon-El and she had been aware of that for some time before he left. So much that it scared her to death. She regrets that he doesn’t know and will never know that he is the love of her life.

Grief. She is so tired of crying until she gets asleep and waking up with tears in her eyes every damn day. She finds herself sobbing at the most unexpected moments. At work, in the street, at the library, watching TV. She will not do anything that they used to do together to avoid sorrow overwhelming her again. What means that she cannot do most of the activities that she used to enjoy. She tries to be superheroing or working at CatCo all the time. And when she isn’t she flies. She feels closer to him when she is brushing off the rain or climbing through the clouds. And if she cries while flying it doesn’t matter, because no one can see her and no one has to know. Her eyes are puffy, her head hurts all the time. She is so tired but she only gets asleep after complete exhaustion. She sometimes wishes the tears to stop but most of the time she welcomes them because it means that she loved Mon-El and she was loved in return. That is the most precious memory in the world and she doesn’t want to forget it.

Bargaining. She believes that she would do almost anything to have him back. She has found herself praying to Rao, making promises in exchange for his return. She has secretly considered that she would even be ready to leave the cape behind her if this would bring him back to her. She knows that she shouldn’t think like that, because she is the Hero of Earth, right? She should be selfless. And besides, women are strong, women don’t need a man to be happy. She is Supergirl and she doesn’t bend and she doesn’t break for anyone. She has always said that that but she feels now that she is so broken. She is in pain and she misses Mon-El, the love of her life. The only person that could really understand what means to be her, Kara Zor-El from Krypton, a refugee on planet Earth.

Anger. Rao, she is so sick of people telling her that she will get through it because she is strong. She doesn’t want to be strong. She wishes that people would stop mentioning that they are proud of her. She wants to yell "what about him?". Shouldn’t they be proud of him too? It angers her when people praise her but not Mon-El, his heroism or his sacrifice. He is the one who lost his world and his family for the second time. She just lost him. But he lost everything, including her. It’s not fair. Mon-El was trying to be a good person, to be a hero, to help people. How could this happen to him? Who is to blame? And she knows. She is. 

Guilt. She believes that it was her fault. She could have stopped the invasion when she went to Rhea’s spaceship to rescue Mon-El and Lena. If she had gone back to Earth with him, they could have used the positron cannon to end the war, but she wanted to do the right thing as heroes do. She got cocky and she was wrong. She should have listened to him when he said that his mother was dangerous, that she didn’t know his parents, that they would do anything to get what they wanted. She could have made contingency plans for the possibility of them having to use the lead device. He accepted that, he said that he wouldn’t be the reason for the Earth to suffer, he knew that it could be necessary. Rhea had told her that she had killed her husband, so Kara knew that she was not to be trusted. Why didn’t she get prepared for her betrayal like she did with Lillian? They didn’t even know if activating the lead device would kill him immediately. They should have had a contingency plan. A good one. They could have sent him to Earth One with Team Flash. Everything was her fault and that is why she sometimes thinks that she doesn’t deserve to be happy. Because Mon-El deserved to survive and be happy. He deserved everything. And she put him in a tiny pod and killed him. 

Depression. She sometimes just wants the pain to end. She knows that she should not be wishing to be dead. When she feels the guilt and the sorrow she welcomes pain because she thinks that she deserves it. She could sleep into oblivion, never to wake up again. She could forever dream about him. She thinks that she would like that. She is aware that she has to stop these dark feelings. For her. For her family. For him. She knows that he would tell her that he wanted her to live her life and be happy. 

Promises. She made so many promises to him. That she would be there for him so he would never know what was like to be alone. That she would be there to help him however he needed her to. That she would go after him every time. That she would do anything to keep him safe. That she wouldn’t forget the way he had sacrificed himself for her. She remembered that he put himself in her hands but she believes that she failed him. She was sure that Mon-El loved her so much that he would forgive her no matter what. But she cannot forgive herself. She sometimes thinks that she hates herself.

Resentment. She knows that her family and friends are worried about her. They try to spend time with her and cheer her up, but it is not really helping. They were trying to be there for her a lot more during the first few weeks, but as time went by everything returned back to normal. They are carrying on with their lives, with their loved ones. It's not like the world stopped for them. She knows that they are getting impatient and they want her to be back to normal. She finds herself listening to them and her inner voice is just saying again and again “just shut up, I don’t care, it’s not fair, please leave me alone, why are you happy, do you even miss Mon-El at all”. Most of them are worried and truly want to help her, but they don’t really behave as if they are sad about Mon-El’s fate and this angers her so much. Yes, she lost him, but he lost everything. The only one that seems to be truly sad about him is Winn. She has noticed that he frequently spends hours and hours on his computer trying to locate him. When this happens, she likes to sit down with him. They don’t talk about it. She sometimes touches his shoulder while he does it. She has noticed his tears. He has noticed hers. They cried in each other’s arms once. It comforts her seeing how much he misses his buddy too. But the others don’t, or at least not that much. Alex, J’Onn, James... it seems that they are just worried about her but don’t care that much about Mon-El and she is so angry about that. Lena... She doesn’t want to talk to Lena. Kara’s alien boyfriend is gone because of her. She apologized for building the portal that brought the invaders to Earth. She also begged forgiveness for making the lead device work. Kara remembers that Supergirl told Lena to work on that. She did and then she handed the remote to Supergirl. She had to send the love of her life to space and that broke her. She is not prepared to forgive Lena yet, although Kara told her that she already did. She knows that she is not being fair to Lena but she doesn’t even want to see her now. Not yet. Everything hurts too much. Mon-El loved her with everything he had, she loved him back, and they lost each other forever. She feels so much resentment that it scares her. She is trying to numb her emotions.

Hopelessness. She doesn’t want to feel grief, anger or love. When she left Krypton and lost her world and her family she at least had hope for the future. She had a new family, a new world, her cousin. He doesn’t have hope for the future anymore. She believes that Kara Danvers was a mistake. She was so focused on having it all that she lost her alien mate. The media on Earth won’t stop talking about the Daxamite invaders and she wants to yell that there was a Daxamite hero too, and that he should be honored and remembered. And she knows that the only reason that he started to think that he could be a hero was her believing in him. She wanted him to be a hero because she thought that he had potential, but when she feels so exhausted that she can't lie to herself anymore, she accepts that she also did it because she liked to think that only a hero would be worthy of her love. That Kryptonian pride. Well, she got what she wanted. He became a true hero. He accepted to die or be sent to space in a pod for the greater good and because of that he had to leave her. She can’t stop thinking that if she wouldn’t have tried to convince him that heroism was his calling, he might have decided that being a regular guy working as a bartender in an alien bar was enough for him and he could still be safe on Earth. She wanted to have it all and as a result of that he had to leave. It will not happen again. She loved once and she lost Mon-El. That was it. No more love for her. Never again. She doesn’t regret loving him. Rao, he made her so happy. So, so happy. But she will not make herself vulnerable ever again. She just loses everything that she loves, so she will not let herself love again. She doesn’t need it. She knows that she cannot have it all. And she cannot love anyone else. Love is not for her. She is not human. She is broken. She is an alien. She is the Hero of Earth. That is all she is now. She is Supergirl.

**Author's Note:**

> Poor Kara. She still doesn't know that he will return back to her.
> 
> I would love to hear your thoughts about any chapter or the fic. English is not my first language, so apologies for any mistakes. Constructive feedback is appreciated. I really enjoy talking to you. Your comments inspire me.
> 
> If you love Karamel, Mon-El & Kara and want to fangirl with me you can find me in Tumblr as @emarasmoak.


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